the mark is reality and i'm totally missing it

I rather like being undone, which is why I can't seem to pull myself together. Maybe I'll stumble upon that part of me in the future; for now I'll revel in the nostalgia.

Pinch me, I'm dreaming.

But don't pinch me 'cause I don't want to wake up to the responsibilities and my gpa and the economy.

I'm sitting here laughing because the future's so bright and we've all got shades on.

lingering just behind my eyelids

I don't think men should hate time but I'm saying that in a youthful state while I got this little thing called invincibility pulsing through my veins. I hate time regardless of what I think and I'm saying that because invincibility is as much a construct of my mind as time is. It's a race against the clock, so far I'm winning but I've started tripping over my own limbs.

I swear Christmas was a week ago.

I was born yesterday, graduated an hour ago, lived in California just a second ago, I swear.

I opened my eyes for the first time this very instant.

Time isn't slipping away, just me.

phobias

There's a cute guy in my ward (like really cute), and I want to ask him out except I'm scared. And I think that pretty much sums up who I am because I'll probably never ask him out.

i'm pretty fluent in song lyrics

"What's music without any words?" So much, my friend.

You see, my favorite part about a hymn is the part where it says thoughtfully, joyously, worshipfully. If you could never sing again after the next song you sang, how would it sound? Halfhearted? Please, we'd sing as loud and off-tune as we could - to the point of bloody vocal chords, literally putting our hearts into it.

I'm struggling to put this all into words, but what I want to tell you is that music has been there. Always in the background, always blasting from the radio speakers, always humming from my own lips.

These words don't seem that eloquent to my eyes: this truth is so simple but man is it beautiful.

the pharaoh club

I've read up on mythology but the only thing I'm interested in is making my own stories. Here's the heart clincher: I've seen myself in the stars but those were the falling ones. And here I am, back on earth, back in school, fighting amongst the wolves, and I'm still not the goddess of piety because I disrespect any god that's not mine.

We're not part of the Pharaoh club. Oh, we tried to join. Not a lot of room for comic book enthusiasts. Not a lot of room for anyone, really. Just the Pharaohs. They've got the divine right and the time to build pyramids, what do you have?

Do you have summer playlists? Do you have spirit? Or has the world yanked you by the hair into it's salivating orifice? That's a one-way ticket, my love. Make sure you're ready to give up Saturday cartoons and Dr. Seuss before you take that route. Check the weather, will you? But we never leave the apartment, isn't that a curious notion?

I met some boys in the Pharaoh club. "Hello, peasants," they said.

And that's what we are. Peasant people with regal hearts and that's okay.

your veins have words to say

Hey you,

Face the facts, you're completely unsure of yourself. Your skull is numb and it's spreading to the rest of you like an infectious disease. It'll be a sad day when you're feeling everything in the world but not actually feeling it. But enough of the deep stuff. Tell me about yourself. Do you listen to music when you drive? Do you like the sound of your own voice? Do you trust that your heart will keep beating until it doesn't anymore?

How can you be so sure that the world is spinning? You think I'm here lurking in your closet like those monsters you were once so afraid of. Those weren't real so I guess I'm not either, right? I'm waiting for you to notice the veins on your arms. Maybe then you'll realize that I'm never around, I'm never lurking.

I'm hugging the contours of your body from the inside, I'm in your bloodstream and the view's great. You're so sure that one day I'll emerge from the darkness to rip your heart from your chest, but I'm not keen on suicide.

Your skull is numb, but I'm hopeless without you.

Can't you see that? I couldn't stand a day without you. And when I go, I'm taking you with me. Is that harsh? Is that only acceptable when you're fabulously aged and the words on your bucket list are all crossed out? I don't care. If you're young and still a bit naive, I'm bringing you with me wherever it is we're going. I'm hopeless without you.

Love will find you one day. But for now don't forget me in your chest - always asking questions.

Always,

about death

i'm always falling short of what i'm capable of
the door slams
the wind howls
and i'm stuck inside cowering

the corner of despair where a boy smiles kindly at me
i always lower my eyes
to the denim on my knees
to my restless palms
to my heart, politely asking its opinion - should i

too late now
everything is overdue
my assignments
my chance to say something
the opportunity i had to give 'em the ol' razzle-dazzle

why are you so afraid

i skipped the tutorial
and now i expect people to stop what they're doing and explain
i'm so lost, clicking buttons just to see what they do
there's not enough time to live life the way i do
the grave has been calling for us from the second we were born

dirt and a tombstone
i don't want my eulogy to be a lie

online courses remind me of creative writing, but nelson's class was more fun

hi, i'm in college and i think i'm getting insomnia

i have a paper due tomorrow and i've only written one-fifth of it

good thing i can't sleep, right?

i don't know what's got me so unsettled

but i'm tipping over, and it looks like it's going to be a long way down

i don't even feel like i'm unfocused

i know exactly what i'm doing

it's time that's out of place

not me

...i think i just figured out why i can't sleep

i changed my major to art education

i got a calling in church as a sunday school teacher

i taught my first lesson

and i loved it

i think i found my calling in life

guys, i'm going to be an art teacher one day

but i'm scared

and it keeps me up at night

i'm in college, but i'm yearning for those elementary school days